Books like [$100M Offers: How To Make Offers So Good People Feel Stupid Saying No](https://www.amazon.com/100M-Offers-People-Stupid-Saying/dp/1737475731) by Alex Hormozi (which is informative and easy-to-read albeit not terribly useful for achieving my actual goals) make it pretty clear that: > You want to be ‘the guy’ who services ‘this type of person’ or solves ‘this type of problem.’ And even more niched ‘I solve this type of problem for this specific type of person in this unique counter-intuitive way that reverses their deepest fear I have no particular interest in being a mommy blogger; I am never gonna be your one-stop-shop for solving parenting problems. But I also do feel quite strongly that > People who help others (with zero expectation) experience higher levels of fulfillment, live longer, and make more money. is probably true... and a friend recently mentioned that [How Children Thrive](https://www.amazon.com/How-Children-Thrive-Practical-Independent/dp/1683640209) by Mark Bertin was the parenting book they had read that most closely matched their own experience. She asked for my take on the book, and while I'm generally pretty reluctant to talk parenting philosophy on the internet, at this point enough people have asked for a summary of my parenting research that I feel like it's time to write out an article. Also there's a lot in _How Children Thrive_ and the other books that have informed my parenting philosophy that applies to adult relationships as well. So here's a roundup of parenting books I actually got to the end of, sprinkled with links to useful sources like _Play Makes Us Human_ and _Lost Tools of Learning_. The Readwise database informs me these parenting books are four of my top seven most highlighted books, to give you a sense of all the stuff I do with my time that I don't normally write about publicly 😅 ## How do children differ? The first thing I want to do is preface this by saying that I genuinely think that parenting is a tricky topic to discuss because neither "experts" nor parents nor grandparents are really a great source of advice, but also many people's gut instincts are sort of garbage these days, mostly because a lot of us (at least in my culture) haven't spent time around many children in our lives. My general feeling is that the _best_ source of advice is probably a parent of 4+ school-aged children who also works part time in a child-adjacent field like lactation consultant, midwife, childcare provider, speech & language pathologist, occupational therapist, etc. If you don't happen to have someone in your personal network along those lines, I mostly just urge you not to overgeneralize based on your own experiences, or overindex on "average" and "normal" children. Although [the "average" American (Jessica from California)](https://www.saturdayeveningpost.com/2021/12/who-exactly-is-the-average-american/) is only a little younger than me and has a child my son's age, so that's cool. The other thing I really want to add is that I've noticed a trend in the parenting books I personally prefer to read, which is that most books try to be reassuring that it's pretty hard to screw up your kid if you're trying to do a good job, like, at all. _How Children Thrive_ frames it as "As a foundation, children require stable homes, clear limits, a time to play . . . and, for many, not much more than that!" Emily Oster has made a name for herself ## So how do children thrive? Mark Bertin's foundational claim is that executive function skills (annoyingly abbreviated to EF throughout the book) are the most important thing children need help developing -- and that parents must help their children manage their brains until they are old enough to do so independently, which takes decades. The premise and tone is fairly in line with most of the practical parenting books I've liked (my most-frequently shared notes are from [Oh Crap! Potty Training: Everything Modern Parents Need to Know to Do It Once and Do It Right](https://www.amazon.com/Crap-Potty-Training-Everything-Parenting-ebook/dp/B00V3L8YSU)) and there weren't many surprises, perhaps because at this point in my life I've got a decade of teaching and four years of raising a kid under my belt. Basically, Bertin highlights the need for clear limits, appropriate expectations, guidance, and support to help children develop healthy habits, build independence, and foster resilience. ## How do children learn? _Oh Crap_ claims that potty training is a great way to get to know your kid because it's the first really _clear_ glimmer you get of your kid's learning style, and sort of sets the tone for the rest of your relationship. I worry I'm at risk of reading too much into this, because potty training my son went stupendously well -- more so because we got lucky than any particular method we followed. _Oh Crap_ and _How Children Thrive_ are both very clear that "young children learn almost exclusively from immediate feedback and not through discussion" ## How should children play? A central premise of _How Children Thrive_ is that: > Kids today are the same as ever: They need to run around, fall down, play with friends, negotiate disagreements, and sort out what to do when their parents say no. They need to have fun and explore their world like all generations before. This is pretty much what [[Peter Gray]] has been shouting from the rooftops lately, but I would argue that it's not just true of children. Adults also need to run around (I have got to get back into an exercise habit, preferably with a friend!), take risks, negotiate conflicts instead of ostracizing anyone who makes a statement at odds with the current cultural meta, and sort out what to do when situations don't go their way. ## What do children _really_ need? > the basics remain unchanged: consistency at home, loving caregivers, steady boundaries, and limits - [ ] Cross Refernece with Bryan Caplan, Bad Therapy, & Rob Henderson (author of _Troubled_, though I've only read [his newsletter](https://www.robkhenderson.com/). - [ ] talk about the twin study thing -- "it's mostly genetics" is probably true with twin studies for the average middle class American. ## Ok but what about adults? > To remain open to change requires a lot of self-awareness and effort. > Let children find other ways to entertain themselves when they’re bored—downtime may have as much value for child development as anything else on the weekly calendar I actually found this super annoying, because this is better advise for adults -- being bored is hugely impactful for creativity, for example -- but parenting books never seem to explain _at what age_ this sort of thing is appropriate. Making my eight month old daughter "entertain herself" and "be bored" feels like a recipe for listening to a screaming baby who feels emotionally rejected, whereas forcing my 4 year old to play by himself for half an hour _without_ duoABC or youtube feels like an obviously appropriate choice. But I had to figure that out basically through trial and error, even though child psychologists have surely figured out when imaginative play starts spontaneously showing up (around 4, for us). - [ ] Cross reference [this article about being a tech lead](https://newsletter.techleadmentor.com/p/5-mistakes-that-new-tech-leads-make?r=1to968) with parenting executive function skill, specifically the line about "Some new tech leads will expect everyone in the team to be equally “motivated and self-manage their work. They get frustrated when others don’t seem equally diligent with “project management”."